I'm Leaving Instagram For Good

image via Floral Deco

Coming out of the last year of the pandemic, I was tired.

The world was on fire and I was using every ounce of energy I had to haul buckets of water back and forth to the battle lines.

I was worn out, dry and desperately needed a break.

I usually spend a little time each day journaling to work out feelings and thoughts and over the last year I began to recognize a pattern.

I would start and end my day with social media.

I didn’t roll over, turn off the alarm and log on, but I would sit at my desk at the start of the day, every day, and catch up on what I “missed” overnight. This was usually minimal, but the compulsion to check was so strong, I would do it without even thinking. Then, every evening after my routine of a relaxing bath I would sit in my robe for an hour or more and scroll. Instagram, Facebook, then back to Instagram, back to Facebook, as if something life changing was going to be posted in the few minutes since I had left the app before.

During the day, I checked social media at stop lights, waiting for tables at restaurants, in line at the grocery store. Every where I went, social media went with me.

This went on for quite long time and I started to see that social media - particularly Instagram - was setting the tone for how my whole day would go and how it would end. If I saw something that made me mad, I was angry about it all day. If I saw something that made me anxious, I was anxious about it all night. A roller-coaster of emotions that I was so tired of and yet, every morning, I bought a ticket and got on for another round.

Come the end of February, I was so done with it all that I decided it was time for a break. The Lenten season was approaching and I decided this time I was serious. I had taken “breaks” from social media before, but I would still secretly log on from time to time. I couldn’t stand to not be “in the know.” (In the “know” of what I am not really sure.) 

So, I did it. I gave it up for 40 days. Deleted the app off my phone. No flirting with goodbye, no post about it warning my “followers” (cringe). I cut it off cold turkey.

What followed was a truly life-altering perspective I had never been given before. When I say my eyes and ears were truly opened, I mean it sincerely. Without all the noise that social media created for me, I was able to listen…

Here’s what I learned:  

I am less angry. I try to pay more attention to the ways I am feeling in certain situations (thank you therapy) and I was noticing after my absence that I was dare I say… happier? Or even joyful? How could this be?

Inevitably, every day, something on social media would make me angry. It didn’t have to be anger over silly things, a lot of my anger felt righteous, I was angered over things like injustice, poverty, oppression, sexism and racism. But, I noticed that most of all I was angry about the people who didn’t seem to care about the things I cared about. I was angry over his post and her post and on and on…so much that I would stay angry over it for days.

Can you imagine what that kind of constant emotion does to your body and your spirit? I can tell you what it does. It festers and then breeds and eventually becomes bitterness and hatred. You start thinking things about the people in your life that you never thought about before. You become so infected with anger that it develops into avoidance and isolation. You label people and cut them off.

James talks about anger in James 1:19-20. “

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

David Guzik goes along to explain what this looks like in his commentary.

“We can learn to be slow to wrath by first learning to be swift to hear and slow to speak. Much of our anger and wrath comes from being self-centered and not others-centered. Swift to hear is a way to be others-centered. Slow to speak is a way to be others-centered. In light of the nature of temptation and the goodness of God, we must take special care to be slow to wrath, because our wrath does not accomplish the righteousness of God. Our wrath almost always simply defends or promotes our own agenda.”

I wasn’t just quick to become angry, I was inviting anger in, every single day, multiple times a day and often first thing in the morning. I was seeking to accomplish my own agenda through what I perceived was my righteous anger.

I compare less. I don’t think this will come as a shock. It’s not some new revelation. Social media is curated life content no matter what way we try to justify it.

For me, I was noticing all too frequently that my life didn’t look like other’s lives, especially as a 35 year old single woman. I was starting to take inventory of all the things I thought were missing, instead of giving thanks for all the beautiful and wonderful things I have. I was so worried about my timeline, using other’s timelines as a yardstick of comparison and I was inviting others to do the same with my carefully curated content. I was a willing participant. I noticed this particularly when several of the older, single women I followed were starting to adopt or foster children and seek opinions about their fertility being unmarried. I began to worry I wasn’t taking the necessary steps to assure myself that I would have a family one day and the fruit of that worry was anxiety and depression. My burdens for how my life should “look” were increasing and heavy and yet, Jesus continually calls me to take on His yoke, which is easy, His burdens which are light. The fruit of His paths for my life are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I am focused. I get a high on accomplishment. I have used all the tools and read all the books on how to increase productivity in my life and yet somehow my productivity and my motivation have continued to decrease steadily over the years. I couldn’t understand it. I was setting goals! I was spending hours of time each month planning out my days, sometimes down to the hour, to get things done and yet I was actually getting very little accomplished. My plans were great, but the execution just wasn’t there. I knew deep down my time spent on social media could be contributing but I truly didn’t know it was a main factor until I gave it up.

Since I have been off social media, I’ve accomplished more in the last 40 days that I have in the last 2 years and that is not an exaggeration. I had started and stopped so many projects, including this blog, because I got distracted by social media and what was happening on it. Now, I am motivated to get down to the things that matter the most to me because the distraction has been non-existent. I am able to be fully present and alive in my own life without the need to curate what I am doing in the moment for content to share. I still take photos and videos on my phone but the compulsion to let others in doesn’t exist anymore, in fact, I am feeling pulled towards the opposite. I want to savor the sacred and keep it close.

I do not spend money like I used to. I could on average say that instagram would cost me a few hundred dollars a month if not more. It is ripe with consumerism. Everywhere I would turn, someone was telling me to buy something and I was telling someone else to buy it in return. My clothes weren’t trendy enough, my makeup wasn’t fresh enough, my house not organized enough, my car not clean enough, my food not fancy enough, my travels not frequent enough. Nothing. is. ever. enough. to fill the gaping wide hole that is consumerism and I was inviting it into my life every day just like I was anger and comparison. Starting my day with rotten emotions and a sense of scarcity.  Draining my bank account for frivolous things that will be considered obsolete in a year. It’s no wonder companies spent over 40 billion dollars on social media marketing and ads last year. That number is projected to be 50 billion this year. Fifty billion dollars spent just to show me what I should buy… that doesn’t even include the money I’ll spend on the actual products.

I spend more time with God. I left this one for last, but it is the most important. I knew when I was feeling the nudge to leave that it was the Holy Spirit who was so gently inviting me to do so. I didn’t feel condemnation, I didn’t feel guilt. I just felt there was more.

I had decided while I was fasting social media that I needed a study to occupy my time at the start of the day that I otherwise would have spent scrolling. I settled on Erin Moon’s study of Ecclesiates for the Lent Season and it was balm for my weary and dry soul. Many of the things I believed I was hearing from the Holy Spirit were confirmed through the study. I had brought two very big and specific requests before the Lord that I needed answers to and he answered them so very clearly, I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed because I never would have heard the answer had I been angry, comparing, distracted and consuming. 

And, I think this is what it looks like to walk with Jesus. He just lovingly invites us into a better way. A way in which I desire to hear what He has to say about me and about my purpose for life through His word every day. A way in which my heart is turned and tuned to others in person, around me. A way in which my life bears the fruits of the spirit.

I know there is more to explore as I have decided to continue with severely limiting my time spent on social media after my fast. Will I leave it forever? Probably not, but I am leaving it for good. For a better version of myself than when I am on it. I am sure I will share the big events and small joys from time to time, but my goal is to be in constant examination of the fruit that is the product of my choices, asking myself is it rotten or is it ripe?

Does everyone have to leave social media? No, because this is my story. Social media for me is what something else might be for you. Or maybe its social media too, but that’s not for me to decide. This has simply been a story of the ways in which Jesus has invited me to go deeper, to right my ship and stay the course. He is teaching me that His ways are higher than my ways, all I need to do is stop and listen.