Daily Bread
image via Vie Studio
My niece loves to play hide and seek. One of us will hide around the corner and wait for her to sneak up and we jump out and “scare her.” She squeals with delight and runs away while we go back to our hiding place and do it all over again.
Sometimes, as she is running to sneak up on us, my dad will say, “Ohhhhh be careful!” and she will immediately retreat, hands over her mouth and say, “Oh no! I scared!” She runs to us and we collect her in our arms and soothe her fear and she goes back to the corner and realizes there’s nothing to be afraid of. We were always right where we were before.
It’s endearing to see her little expressions and watch her interpret her emotions at the tiny age of two. At first, her reaction to my dad’s suggestion was comical, in a cute way, but the longer I looked at it, it felt familiar.
That voice in my head, in a tone that’s less than assuring, suggesting I should be worried about what’s around the corner. Chitter chatter about all the what ifs and what nots. The questions go unanswered because of the unknown and the fear starts to tremble deep down in my bones. My stomach aches. I feel trapped. Insecurities rise to the surface and lash out at me and those around me. I withdraw to hide until it’s safe to come out.
I left a lucrative job as an Neonatal Nurse Practitioner (NNP) last October to pursue a less stressful life. One where I got my holidays and weekends back. One where I wasn’t up all night before a 24-hour shift stressed about whether or not someone’s baby would die on my watch. The money was certainly worth the effort, but I couldn't justify the stress any longer.
A few months ago I got a message from a friend in the field asking me if I was interested in an NNP position in another city about an hour and a half from where I was living.
Initially my gut told me no, but then…... there was that voice. You know the one.
What if this is where God wants you to work? What if your husband lives in this city and you have to move there to meet him? What if you were wrong about taking your current job? What if you need to go back and face your demons, rise to the challenge and defeat the enemy you ran away from?
When the Israelties wandered for 40 years in the wilderness, they asked a lot of similar questions.
Before crossing the Red Sea as the Egyptian army was closing in…
“When Pharaoh drew near, the people of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them, and they feared greatly. And the people of Israel cried out to the LORD.
They said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt?
Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.” - Exodus 14:10
Moses’ response to them?
“And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.”
Fear not. Stand firm. See the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today.
There’s really only two ways anxiety can go, either backward or forward. Anxiety cannot exist in a present state of mind. I am either bringing what has happened in the past into today or worried about what could happen tomorrow.
God rescues the Israelites, drowns the Egyptian army and then a few chapters later, the Israelites are back to complaining about food…
“And the whole congregation of the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness and the people of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full, for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.”Exodus 16:2-3
So, God decided to send them manna, bread from heaven, with specific instructions on how to collect it and eat it.
“This is what the LORD has commanded: ‘Gather of it, each one of you, as much as he can eat. You shall each take an omer, according to the number of the persons that each of you has in his tent.” Exodus 16:16
An Omer was approximately 2 liters, per person. This would be enough to feed each of them, no more, no less. But, they didn’t listen and in worry, some gathered more than what was allotted and some ate less than what was allotted in an attempt to save for tomorrow. The next day, they found whatever was left over had spoiled and where there was once sustenance, now there were maggots. Rotting, stinking and infested.
A lot like my anxious mind, spinning out of control. When I’ve borrowed more trouble for myself than what was meant for today, I become anxious, thoughts infested with questions I can’t answer, my attitude beginning to rot and stink. I am desperate for an answer to my rattled mind and my weary spirit. I’ve listened to that voice too long. Exhausted, I run to him and he collects me in his arms as I cry out in prayer, “Lord, show me the way.”
And there in the stillness, in the quiet, he offers me his hand and pulls me out of the pit. He sets me high on a rock and I am able to see clearly what’s in front of me.
The answer is today, my daily bread. (Matt 6:11, Prov 30:8) The portion designed and given to me to steward with all the gifts and talents already at home inside of me. A day with enough trouble of its own, but all the more grace given to me to bear it. (Matt 6:34) The perfect portion.
And somehow, I find when I move my mind out of the realm of worry and uncertainty and put it back onto what’s directly in front of me, the thoughts disappear. I have to actively participate in leaving the anxious thoughts behind, casting all my cares on him, and narrowing my focus on today. (1 Pet 5:7)
Like balm to my weary and tired soul, his presence overwhelms me and he makes clear the path before me. He is a lamp unto my feet - not a beam of light shining miles ahead. (Psalm 119:105)
Will trouble come? Surely.
But I will take heart, for He has overcome. (John 16:33)